I've been having a lot of trouble lately dealing with life in general. I'm restless, on edge, easily led to feelings of being burnt down and as fragile as a moth's wing. I try to paint, take photos, write in my journal, talk with my only friend, but nothing helps. I'm struggling...really and truly struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. Most days I end up sitting here, staring out at space and feeling disgruntled. This probably stems from the fact that I'm bipolar and not taking my medication properly, but somehow it feels like it's more than that. It's a general dissatisfaction with the way I'm living my life, with the course I seem hell-bent on trudging down. And believe me, I know what you're gonna say...well change it then, but it's not as easy as it sounds. You see I'm a military wife and I'm tired of military life. I am so proud of my husband for having served his country this long...it just wears you down to be so far from your family and to rarely get the opportunity to be close to the ones you love most. My nieces and nephews are all growing up fast and we're forced to miss out on all their special moments. And last year, when my niece passed and we were denied leave to go be with my sister and family for the funeral...it tore a piece of me out that I don't think will ever fully heal. On top of all this, I'm truly struggling with trying to figure out what I believe in. My parents raised me in a very Christian home, but I never really felt the kind of connection that others claim to have to God. It's not exactly that I don't believe in Him...I just don't know how I feel about Him. I guess if I were to be completely honest with myself, I'm agnostic. Where my struggle mostly lies is with how my family will try to make me feel if I admit the truth to them. Don't get me wrong...I know for a fact that they won't stop loving me, but well...they are definitely going to disapprove...strenuously!
I guess the whole point of this post has been mostly to just blow off some steam and to get some perspective on where I'm leaning on things. I am grateful to be alive and to have my husband and our two dogs...I just need to figure out how to make more of life.
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