Tuesday, January 27, 2009

All I can say is WoW!

I was messing around here on the web a bit and just had to share this. Imagine being a parent for the first time at 111!

Henry the Tuatara: He's Still Got it at 111 Years Old
Henry the Tuatara is 111 years old and has successfully mated to the tune of 11 eggs.

A minor miracle has occurred! I am up, at this hour, and though I couldn't claim full brain function, I'm at least somewhat cognisant. Those terrible invaders(alright it's just the packers) have arrived and I'm sitting in my bedroom, "hiding" with my dogs(thanks honey for dealing with them). Oh what I wouldn't give to be all snuggly in my bed right now! I was up till late hours last night trying to get some last minute things taken care of...so I'm just downright, out-and-out tired, not to mention, feeling a bit resentful at having people in my house, touching my things. I'd love to hole up here and just hibernate the rest of the winter! But fate has other plans for us and I'll be leaving my quaint little home here and striking out for parts unknown...yay! I guess though, I really am looking at this from all the wrong angles...it is going to be an adventure and hey in the next day or two, I'm going to get to sleep in a nice hotel where I don't have to make the bed!

Monday, January 26, 2009

We just got a call from the people who are going to be packing up our belongings tomorrow. They'll be here at 7a.m. and as much as I don't want it to, it's all starting to become real to me. I feel so unprepared for this move and every nerve-ending in my body is in rampant rebellion! Neither my husband, nor myself, actually want this move, but when you are in the military you have to go when and where they send you. I think my husband and I have been doing everything we can to avoid the reality of the whole mess and now here it is...staring us blankly in the face and we can't hide our heads in the sand anymore. I know moving is something that almost everyone faces at least once in their lives and that, for the most part no one likes, but it feels like each time we do, it gets harder and harder. I moved almost constantly, growing up, and sometimes we were never in one place more than 6 months to a year. I also know that my husband is in the wrong occupation to exactly expect to be able to put down roots, but I crave stability. I have an almost obsessive compulsion for sameness and order and when the least little thing throws that off...well it, quite literally, almost completely destroys me. Right now, I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and scream for everyone to just leave me be. However, I can't do that...I've got to force down my disgust and get up and see to it that everything gets done properly. Have I mentioned that I HATE moving??!!

A love letter to my mother

Last night, I sat down and wrote a rather passionate letter to my mother. She and I have never been that close and it is something that, upon much reflection, brings a great deal of dissatisfaction to me. While I was growing up, if you'll forgive the cliche, we were like oil and water...we definitely didn't mix! I'd always taken more of a fancy to my dad and she knew it and felt snubbed somehow. It was never that I didn't love my mother, we were just two totally different people on two entirely different planes. There was a lot about my mother, I've never really understood and quite frankly, I don't know if I ever will. Things between us, did not get any better by my parents divorce. Even though I was almost the age of being a legal adult,when they seperated, I chose to live with my father and helped him to win custody of my baby sister. Believe me, that didn't win me any brownie points. I had several reasons for doing what I did, and though I won't go into all the details, suffice it to say, it was mostly because my mother, who'd always been somewhat of a stranger to me had suddenly become a total alien. The next few years we barely spoke, but slowly and surely we've tried to rebuild some kind of relationship. I realized though, the other night, that I honestly don't know all that much about my mother and she doesn't know that much about me. It's something that I do want to change, hence why I wrote the letter. I asked simple questions about the little things and tried to give her some insights into what makes me tick. From my obsession with women authors, my love of Russian literature, my favorite artists and colors, music, guilty pleasures(yes, I must confess I do like some reality-TV shows),my love of british comedy, to the most mundane of things, my favorite candy(happens to be Turkish Delight). I tried to instill the letter with the essence of who I am and it is my fondest hope that she'll do the same. I want to get to know my mother better, want us to be friends...good friends. After all you only have one mother.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It can be a little difficult sometimes when, knowing that you have wronged a good friend, you try to own up to your mistake...only they won't answer their phone or reply to your emails. I've been trying very hard to get in touch with my best friend, mostly to tell her that I am very sorry for what I've done, but also to let her know about my sister. Believe me, I can understand her not wanting to speak with me, but at the same time it is so frustrating. And in all honesty, it does give me cause to worry about her. So tonight, I'm going to sit down and write her a letter and hope that,even though I won't be at this address after next week, she'll get it and give me a call. I really do miss her and I hope that somehow she'll forgive me and we can be friends again.

Continuing the journey of the senses....

I have to admit that today I am a bit bewildered about what I would really like to talk about, so I thought, for now, I would continue our little stroll through the 5 senses. I've picked smell to be the next sense to discuss because ,in my opinion, it is the next most important one. For myself, there is nothing like the wafted scent of something to be a quick trigger of some long, forgotten memory. Whether it be from the lemony-oiled smell of my grandmother's kitchen(which inspires warmth and longing in me), to the hearty scent of cooking stew(which reminds me of the bountiful meals my grandfather used to make). There have even been studies that prove how strong the link between our sense of smell and our memories are. As human beings we are able to distinguish over 10,000 different smells(some of my personal favorites being freshly brewed coffee, the smell of new books, a freshly opened box of crayons, and the earthy, freshness of rain on a hot day)and our smell sense is actually responsible for about 80% of what we are able to taste. Without smell, we'd be limited to about 5 distinct flavors...so we really do need our sense of smell in order to be able to "taste" all that life has to offer! It is really very interesting to find how important our sense of smell is at creating a certain quality of life and memory, that would be sadly lacking the lustre and embodiment of well-being, without it.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Some truly sad news

I am in a slight state of mourning today. This morning at about 3:30a.m. my mother called up to let me know that my sister, Mary, had lost her baby. She'd had pain and bleeding yesterday so was rushed to the hospital where they confirmed the sad news. I am heartbroken for my sister and feel helpless being so far from her. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and just hold her for awhile. I know some of you will say, but oh this happens to people everyday...and while that may be true...it doesn't lessen the pain any. I cannot even begin to imagine how my sister feels. And how do you explain to a young child that they will no longer be having a baby brother or sister soon. My niece Elena has already fallen in love with the idea of a brother or sister and somehow I just don't know how they'll explain it . So, I just ask that everyone out there please send your thoughts and your prayers to my sister and her family. I know they are going to need them.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm feeling a little blue at the moment...like I'm searching for some kind of validation and coming up short. My husband spent the evening out, which I wanted him to do, but it left me sitting here alone...with time on my hands...I always have time on my hands. I should have used the time constructively and gotten more things ready for the move, but I just needed a break from all that. I had a luxurious nap, for an hour or two, tried to get myself back into the novel I'm reading, and ended up sitting here....lost...Called up a friend to see if they were still on for our outing tomorrow evening, but no such luck...postponement please...our regrets...how about another time??? It isn't as if I'm not used to life's disappointments or think they shouldn't happen to me...but I'm frightfully lonely and totally bored with my own company. If I were a writer...my prose would be there to sustain me...or an artist...my brushes and my paint could inspire me...a musician...the melodies...the notes...they'd clash and bang and fill this void with something...anything....Instead, there's this life-starved, half-existant someone looking down an endless hall of heavy fog and feeling stifled by the very atmosphere she breaths. So yeah, I guess you could say... I'm feeling a little blue...

A journey of the senses....

Touch....one of the first senses that awakens in a human, beginning in the womb and ending as one of the last we have when life begins to fade from us. It really is amazing just how important touch is. There have been studies that have shown that babies that are deprived of human touch are not only sicker and more likely to cry, but have even died! Even as grown human beings though, touch is still vital. It is one of our most active senses and is what helps us to be able to explore the world around us. Touch allows you to know when the puppy is soft, the coffee has gotten too cold to drink, or that the fire will burn you and should be avoided at all costs. It can be a defensive mechanism, that tells the brain if something might be dangerous, or it can tell the brain that this feels pleasurable and so should be repeated. Touch can have a direct influence on the way you feel and think about yourself and others around you. Touch truly is important, so....have you hugged someone today? If not...go find that someone special to you, give them the biggest hug that you can and see if you don't feel just a bit better!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I spend a good deal of time in thought and much of that, in thinking about my family. I was thinking the other day about the values, ideals, and beliefs they try to instill in you, when you are a child and whether or not you choose to continue in that vein. When I was growing up, my father spent a good deal of my life being a minister. Our family went to church everytime the doors were open and we were taught what God expects of us and how we are supposed to live our lives. I never really felt the kind of faith that was so evident in my father though, and as I've gotten older it has definitely led to questions in what I believe. My grandmother herself has faith that knows no bounds...and to tell the truth I envy that. Yet, it isn't just faith that I differ on in terms of my family. When I got my tongue and nose pierced, it was, " what are you thinking???" and when I got my tattoo it was..." you've lost your damn mind!" But to me...it was just something I've always wanted to do. There are even certain aspects of myself that I know that I couldn't share with my family. It never fails to surprise me how I am always tiptoeing around my family...trying to not disillusion them. I often feel like I have to be almost a whole different person around them and that's probably why my husband and I don't spend that much time with them. It saddens me really because no matter what, they are my family and I love them to death. I just wish they could be more open-minded and more understanding. However, I know that it is my life to live and whatever I choose to believe or not believe...whatever path I take or don't...whomever I choose to love or not...as long as I find fulfillment and contentment, that's all that matters. Now if I could only really believe that....

I was thinking the other day....if I could pick an era that I would like to visit...which one would it be?? I thought about it for awhile and being a big history buff...it was hard to pick just one time, but for this instance, I settled on the 1920's. What attracts me the most about it is, women first getting the right to vote. Not to mention, some of the other "social freedoms" that we take forgranted today. Such as...cutting their hair, wearing shorter dresses, even being able to drink and smoke in public. It was a time when women seemed to be able to finally have a measure of independance. It seems almost like an awakening. The women that fought for equal rights and getting to vote...the ones that blazed this trail were strong, spirited, great women. I wish that I could go back and say thank-you for not being afraid to stand up and demand recognition for being the equal of any man.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Do I have enough Hair left for this???

Okay, so I've started to really try and buckle down and start getting the house clean and ready for our final housing inspection. Let me just say...I think we maybe totally screwed! I've only managed to get the bathroom in the masterbedroom anywhere near what I think will pass and...well, we are quickly running out of time. I know it's my fault for not starting sooner....I guess I just really wasn't paying quite as close of attention to time as I should have. And if that wasn't enough...we still aren't sure if we will have movers here ready on the 27th or if we are going to have to...last minute rent a truck and pack everything ourselves! I'm trying not to lose hope and not to get really stressed, but well...obviously it isn't working. So...in the end we still have no place to call our new home, we may have no movers, and I just know it's going to cost us money on the housing here....Lord...HELP!!!!

So, I have been playing around with my camera the past few days and experimenting with the colors and textures of food. I have to say that it's been more fun that I expected and I've felt somewhat rewarded with some of the shots I've got. I do think I want to get more into photography as I think it could be a creative outlet for me. So hopefully, I'll be able to take some classes soon. I do know one thing...if I am actually going to get more into it, I am going to need a better camera. Don't get me wrong, I like the one I have now...but I think to be able to achieve the look and feel I want to try and capture, I am definitely going to need something a bit more serious. Oh and before you ask...no food was harmed in the making of my photos...though of course afterwards...well that's another story!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

So Tonight, I tried my hand at making a Moroccan-style roasted chicken and a Moroccan raw carrot salad. I actually made the salad yesterday to let all the spices and other flavors soak into the carrots. I also threw my chicken into brine overnight and let me tell you...if you are ever going to make a roast chicken....brine it first!! It was the most tender, juicy roast chicken I have ever had! Next time I might actually throw in some spices in the brine to see how that turns out. Anyways, once the chicken was done, I quickly made some coucous and let me just say....it was one of the best meals the hubby and I have had in a long time! He said we definitely have to make it again! We've decided to try to be a little more adventurous where food is concerned and at least twice a month pick out a new ethnic food to try. I think we're going for either Indian or French next time. Who knows...we may end up being foodies yet!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Things haven't gone quite as I had them planned. As a matter of fact, I did not fly out to Chicago, and so my best friend did not come out. I ended up being late and instead of trying to get on standby for another flight...I gave into my fears and made my husband bring me home. What makes things worse is for some reason...I lied to Katie and told her they just wouldn't let me on(I only had my ticket number not the actual ticket) and so she set out on a useless crusade to try and get me on another flight. We came home and I did my best to shut out the rest of the world. Katie called several times that day and I just couldn't bring myself to answer. I've felt so ashamed and wanted to try to avoid everyone. Here I am...this stupid girl...unable to not give into her fears and now I've not only disappointed myself, but also the one real friend that I've got left. It's just one more example of letting my fears rule and rob me of an experience. I'm beginning to believe that I'll never be able to really and fully live my life, but I can't go on in this half existance that I lead. I'm tired of feeling afraid and I'm tired of being like this. I hate this...hate everything about it! Is it honestly too much to ask that I not have just an existance ruled by real or imagined fears and that I am able to actually live??! I don't know...I just don't know...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

An Adventure In The Making

So tomorrow morning, early tomorrow morning,
I have a flight to go to Chicago. I'm flying out because I'm going to help my best friend to drive out here for the weekend, so that we can hang out and go to NYC and do other things here, before I move at the end of the month. To be perfectly honest....I am almost terrified!! I'm trying though to remind myself that this is going to be an adventure and I know that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I let the opportunity pass me by. I mean, I don't see my best friend often enough and for us to get to hang out together and then go to NYC(like I've always wanted to)...well I would have been living like I don't want to. This does take me totally out of my comfort zone and if you knew me and understood me...you'd understand just how big that actually is! I'm not good at all with anything that takes me out of my normal, day to day routine...in fact I do everything I can to avoid it like the plague. That's not the way that I want to live anymore though....life is too short and to not take chances, to not LIVE...well I just can't accept that anymore. So keep your fingers crossed, say a little prayer, and wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It was supposed to be just, " another book" to read, when I first picked up a copy of Anais Nin's, "Henry and June". I'd heard of Anais before, but had never really gotten around to reading any of her work. I think that I was at a point in my life, that allowed her words to reach me on a deeper level than they might otherwise have. I opened the book, started to read, and fell madly, passionately, head-over-heels in love. Here was a woman that, for the most part, epitomized the very kind of woman that I wanted to be. Passionate, adventurous, artistic, strong. There was a beauty and a truth in her words, that called out to me...that made me want to rise above the oridinary, safe existance that I was living, and to take chances...to find who I was and what I wanted. Yes, it is a very erotic book, but at the same time...well, I don't exactly have the gift of being able to give full expression to the complex emotions she evokes. I will always view, "Henry and June" as a pivotal, emotional, altering experience. I don't know what it is about her, but Anais has thoroughly entranced, ensorcelled, and enchanted me. I am in love and it is enough!

Monday, January 12, 2009

I want to live passionately! To drink in each moment and become intoxicated with the headiness of it. I'm tired of this half-alive...cocooned existance that I lead. I want to free myself and embrace the world...light...air...music...wine...love...everything. I want to be a gypsy and entice you into the night. I want to embrace and feel sated from lazy hours of love-making. Let life wash over me and fire cleanse me. I want to be impetous, exhilirating, intoxicating, inspirational, and feel the same in return! Let me taste it all and I'll make it my religion....stop hiding behind these death-bringing fears...truly stop hiding.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Today has been one of those days when you question everything you know. You sit there and ponder what is the point of life and living. Somehow, you just can't seem to help but feel it might all be just a bit pointless and you are left wondering if every thought...every action...every breath is just futile. But, where does all this come from?? I guess I would have to say it's from that ever "wonderful" questing into what you want from life and where you are now. When you realize that two years from the beginning of this " I'm going to change my life bit", you are right back where you were when you started it and it all seems like some vicious joke. You wake up and realize that you're still letting your fears control every single microscopic bit of your life, and you still don't see a way around them. Any progress you've made has not only been impeded, but in fact you've regressed so very far...it isn't even funny! It makes you begin to lose hope...lose your faith. And let's face it...when you start to lose those two things...what do you have left?? You're so tired of getting up and dusting yourself off and pushing forward. You know that life isn't supposed to be easy...wouldn't exactly want it to be...but is asking for some help...some kind of guidance too much to ask for? Instead you feel like you're left adrift...floundering through a sea of lost direction and guess what...you forgot your paddle in your other boat! Way to go winner! Let's give the joker here a nice round of applause! So in the end, you still don't have any answers...and you don't know if you ever will!