Things haven't gone quite as I had them planned. As a matter of fact, I did not fly out to Chicago, and so my best friend did not come out. I ended up being late and instead of trying to get on standby for another flight...I gave into my fears and made my husband bring me home. What makes things worse is for some reason...I lied to Katie and told her they just wouldn't let me on(I only had my ticket number not the actual ticket) and so she set out on a useless crusade to try and get me on another flight. We came home and I did my best to shut out the rest of the world. Katie called several times that day and I just couldn't bring myself to answer. I've felt so ashamed and wanted to try to avoid everyone. Here I am...this stupid girl...unable to not give into her fears and now I've not only disappointed myself, but also the one real friend that I've got left. It's just one more example of letting my fears rule and rob me of an experience. I'm beginning to believe that I'll never be able to really and fully live my life, but I can't go on in this half existance that I lead. I'm tired of feeling afraid and I'm tired of being like this. I hate this...hate everything about it! Is it honestly too much to ask that I not have just an existance ruled by real or imagined fears and that I am able to actually live??! I don't know...I just don't know...