Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Just blowing off some steam...

I've been having a lot of trouble lately dealing with life in general. I'm restless, on edge, easily led to feelings of being burnt down and as fragile as a moth's wing. I try to paint, take photos, write in my journal, talk with my only friend, but nothing helps. I'm struggling...really and truly struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. Most days I end up sitting here, staring out at space and feeling disgruntled.  This probably stems from the fact that I'm bipolar and not taking my medication properly, but somehow it feels like it's more than that. It's a general dissatisfaction with the way I'm living my life, with the course I seem hell-bent on trudging down. And believe me, I know what you're gonna say...well change it then, but it's not as easy as it sounds. You see I'm a military wife and I'm tired of military life. I am so proud of my husband for having served his country this long...it just wears you down to be so far from your family and to rarely get the opportunity to be close to the ones you love most. My nieces and nephews are all growing up fast and we're forced to miss out on all their special moments. And last year, when my niece passed and we were denied leave to go be with my sister and family for the funeral...it tore a piece of me out that I don't think will ever fully heal. On top of all this, I'm truly struggling with trying to figure out what I believe in. My parents raised me in a very Christian home, but I never really felt the kind of connection that others claim to have to God. It's not exactly that I don't believe in Him...I just don't know how I feel about Him. I guess if I were to be completely honest with myself, I'm agnostic. Where my struggle mostly lies is with how my family will try to make me feel if I admit the truth to them. Don't get me wrong...I know for a fact that they won't stop loving me, but well...they are definitely going to disapprove...strenuously!

I guess the whole point of this post has been mostly to just blow off some steam and to get some perspective on where I'm leaning on things. I am grateful to be alive and to have my husband and our two dogs...I just need to figure out how to make more of life.


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Michelle said...

I stumbled upon your blog. Hang in there. Thank you for your sacrifice and your husband's service.

Missy boo said...

I was flicking through your blog and it's nice to here people putting there feeling s into actual perspective, as life is a bumpy road! We thank you for your husbands support in the services and I hope you embrace the good times when you can! Xxx

Happy Always said...

My sister in law is also a military wife and is bipolar. She definitely finds comfort in her dogs, but battles on a daily basis with her own identity. I think you need to find your own identity, you are so much more than a military wife. This blog is a start in the right direction and can be such a great outlet for your frustrations. That is why I started my blog. I don't know where you guys are stationed, but can I suggest yoga? Yeah yeah i know your thinking no way, but hear me out. Yoga can help you in discovering your spirituality and it can help with you regulating your mood. I started taking it a little over a year ago and it has helped me find balance and clarity. I feel better mentally and physically. Hope this finds you well and feel free to email me. Better times are ahead for sure :)

kimdraper23 said...

I stumbled upon your blog just browsing. I may not understand what you are going through, but I have felt that way before. Something that has helped me is meditation. Meditation can help all different illnesses of the mind and body. Yoga also. I hope for brighter times in your future. Try to start your day off with a smile :)

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