Thursday, March 19, 2009

How a bad day can follow a great one

Today, has been one of my bad days. Inspite of my starting on a new project, it's been a bad day. Perhaps I should explain how today can be so different from how I soared yesterday. A few months ago, I was finally diagnosed with a mental disorder that I have had for a very long time. My former doctor, after studying my moods and family history, came to the conclusion that I am bi-polar. Upon learning my diagnoses, I researched the web, read over all the symptoms, and was honestly blown away by just how line-for-line I met the criteria. We'd only really begun to experiment with what mood-stabilizers would work for me, when my husband and I had to move(he's in the military and when they say go, you have to go). She had taken me off the ones she'd first prescribed because I developed high blood-pressure and she was worried that the combination of meds and blood pressure would lead to a developing high blood sugar and thus diabetes. So, that being said, she took me off the mood-stabilizers and put me on medication to deal with the blood pressure and also antidepressants. Having been off the mood-stabilizers for some months now, I am seriously feeling the effects of no longer having that barrier between my life and my mental illness. I hate how I am rapid cycling and until my new insurance kicks in, there isn't anything I can do about it. That is one thing that I dislike about moving all the time....with the military insurance, for each region of the country you move into, you have to switch coverage and then wait till they assign you a Dr. I'm still waiting for my Dr. assignment. I think what is the hardest though, is knowing what kind of affects this has on all my relationships. Because of this disorder, I have become pretty much a social recluse. I drove away a lot of friends, though not really trying to, by just being totally unavailable to them. There have been times when I have done my best to push the whole world away from me(including and especially my husband). I stopped calling family, stopped calling friends, stopped interacting with my dogs, and would just lay on the couch, watching endless hours of T.V. Then I would hit a manic stage and become boisterous and have trouble sleeping. I'd constantly want to be on the move(as for the most part, I have been desiring lately) and wanting to go places, spend money we didn't have to spend, do things that I know I shouldn't. I very nearly wrecked my marriage and am just amazingly blessed with a loving, understanding, forgiving husband. Because of this illness, I have developed very irrational fears and thoughts(such as the feeling that everyone is staring at me, watching my every move or in a crowd of people, being unable to breath and heavily agitated to the point of meltdown, or a very real fear of driving), my mind only shuts down when I have completely exhausted myself to the point where I can no longer keep my eyes open, and I am barely able to concentrate on any one thing for any amount of time. I honestly think this blog is just about the only thing I keep up with any regularity and even now I am having trouble really staying focused to what I want to say. I guess what it all boils down to though, is that I have bad days and I have good days and I just have to take them as they come. Hopefully soon, I'll be able to say that I am back on the road to a more stable mental state. I thought I would include an informative website for those of you who aren't as familiar with Bi-polar disorder and would like to learn more:

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